Never Enough
There are mornings when I wake up out of bed and I feel this whole lot of emptiness, this heavy weight or burden- that I'm not enough. I'm not enough of a nurse, not good enough of a girlfriend, not physically fit enough, not a good enough daughter or friend, and definitely not a good enough Christian. My spiritual life ebbs and flows- it has highs that are mind blowing- but also lows that are shattering and I want more than anything to love God most and to serve Him Highest in my life.
Yet sometimes, despite me trying to do it all right, I find myself focusing on the wrong things. Even though I want to be spiritual and to seek Jesus more than anything else on this earth, often I fall short and prioritize things that don't matter. And so often, my life doesn't paint the picture that I want the world to see about Jesus- instead it's too messy.
I'm too sad, too emotional, I have poor posture, and I like dessert. I get stressed out easily and I struggle with time management sometimes. I have a hard time quieting my body and soul to listen to Jesus. I have hard days just like everyone else and days where I wonder am I really ok?...
Yet as I continue to struggle in my shame, to doubt myself, to write down my weaknesses, even here, even now, I hear Jesus speaking to me. And maybe if you relate to what I'm saying, you will hear Him speaking to you too. Calling out to you to come dwell with Him and rest.
He kneels down right beside me, whispers over me, plays with my hair and tells me "It's ok." "It's ok Brooke." Not because of who you are, not because you are "good enough, it's ok because I'm holy. And my holiness is more than enough to cover you. My grace is more than sufficient to meet all your needs.
He tells me that he hears the longings of my heart. He understands the shame that I feel but He tells me he wants me to surrender that as well as my expectations of myself. He reminds me that he knows every part about me, and yet He continues to love me anyways. He tells me I don't have to strive so hard, but that I can find rest in His love.
He tells me that He has heard me before I even asked. "Before they call I will answer, while they are still speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24 and that He will continue to listen to the prayers of my heart.
He reminds me to rest and be still knowing that He is my God- and He will be deliverer. Psalms 46:10
He tells me that His grace is sufficient to meet all my needs and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
He promises me that He will be faithful to keep working in my life- to finish the work He has started- in changing my heart. Philippians 1:6
And with all these promises, all this reassurance, my heart and thoughts change. I feel so loved, I feel so set free, I feel like I have taken a shower in the river of grace. Knowing that I am loved, knowing that I am known and forgiven, I have new thoughts and feelings now. Being reminded of how my Father feels about me, I have a new prayer.
Psalm 27:4 "One thing I ask from the LORD, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple." This be my prayer, that my heart would stay dwelling on Jesus and his love for me, and this is my prayer for you too. Taste and see that the Lord is good, and may our hearts dwell more abundantly in Him.